So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”