There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
You Might Also Like
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.