Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Breaking news:
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.