Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
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Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE