Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell