Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
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Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
If looks could kill
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.