“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
#JohnTravolta
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Message from the dog groomers
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.