Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
How to make infinite energy.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat