Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
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Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.