INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.