this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.