My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
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I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you