I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots