Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
You Might Also Like
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*