I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
181.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty