4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
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if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..