When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.