My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Anime is real
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Sponch
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor