You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.