No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
😂 amazing answer
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Catercrombie & Fish
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start