Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree