[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
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If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.