Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
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‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.