My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Tremendous stuff
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.