i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!