Haha! 😂
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I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…