My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
gm
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD