[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
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I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.