publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
This kid will have a bright future.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom