“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
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Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Holy crap this is wonderful
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.