“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
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Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.