I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?