Passwords are more important than ever.
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30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch