If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.