ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
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My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name