HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Get in loser we’re going crying
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?