I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
You Might Also Like
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes