If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
You Might Also Like
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.