my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I would like even faster food.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.