Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”