“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
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if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
How did we not see this back then?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t