I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening