i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.