Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater