GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
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Cherry seeds are just the pits.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
This is I, Robot all over again
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
you stereotypes are all alike
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Lmfaoooooo
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.