Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
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Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
*praying for world peace*
God:
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
dream blunt rotation
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?