So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing