HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
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The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
Iâll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. Thatâs the hustler mentality
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if Iâm ok
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if Iâm feeling fancy.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why Iâm not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
crying
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Just passing along this helpful tip I found đ
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
ârejection is godâs protectionâ ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so Iâm about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I donât care if you donât feel it, you need to try.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So donât be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds theyâre independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, hereâs a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
me as a parent
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD