[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE