To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.