I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny